Yearly Archives:2016

Ever wonder how homeless people do throughout the day?

Documentary: The Daily Life of a Bum

 

Ever wonder how homeless people do throughout the day? How do they buy food when they’re in the train station? Here’s a documentary on a typical day in the life of a bum…

 

7:00 AM         Wake up trashed on the train.

7:30 AM         Get settled in and get ready to beg for money.

7:45 AM         Set goals for the day. Today’s goal: five bucks and a pair of shoes.

8:00 AM         First bunch of people get in the train. It’s time to get to work and beg for money. Select one of the usual sob speeches: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m a homeless person…penny, nickel, dime…anything will do.”

9:00 AM         Earn five cents.

9:15 AM         Go back to sleep.

10:00 AM       Wake up and feel like shit.

10:30 AM       Time to get to work. Use second speech. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am a homeless person, I have five kids and a pregnant wife…”

11:00 AM       Earn one dollar. Awesome, almost there.

12:00 PM        Hunger strikes. Get off train and find the next train. Eat leftover food on the subway. A French fry with fleas on it? Beggars aren’t choosers.

1:00 PM          Lunch time. Lick slime off train window.

3:00 PM          Fight with another bum for rights to the train and the mossy penny on the floor.

5:00 PM          Rush hour. Perfect time to get to work. Put on sunglasses, pretend to be blind, and sing a song.

6:00 PM          After an hour of begging, earned four bucks. Awesome.

6:10 PM          With enough money, get off at nearest station and go to the nearest deli to buy food. Get cussed out by Muslims.

6:30 PM          Sit on street and beg for money to get back on the train. Goal: 3 bucks.

Put up cardboard sign with a message like: “Lending a dime ain’t a crime.”

7:00 PM          Curse out person who dropped in a twenty dollar bill into the cup, then took it back and put in a five.

9:00 PM          Finally got enough money for a ride and a bottle of liquor. Go back to the train station in a drunken stupor.

10:00 PM        Another bumfight.

11:00 PM        Get settled in for the night and begin to fall asleep.

11:15 PM        Bitch and moan about the life he could’ve had and if it would be a difference if he stayed in school.

11:30 PM        Fall asleep. Hope for more money tomorrow.

Centers for Disease Control Warning – Must Read Now!!

Centers for Disease Control Warning – Must Read Now!!

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

 

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

 

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Interesting Movie Titles – These movie titles might get someone’s attention…

 

Interesting Movie Titles

These movie titles might get someone’s attention…

 

Chinks who Blink

Spics with Ticks

Catholics and Alcoholics

Jews and Booze

Nuns with Guns

Nuns with Nunchucks

Chicks with Dicks

Sisters who are Misters

Dames who are Lame

Blacks who Hack

Blacks are Whack

Niggers who pull Triggers

Whites who Fight

Guys and spies

Mimes who Commit Crimes

Fun in the Sun

Dumb and Dumbass

Nazi Party

Evolution Revolution

Honkeys and Donkeys

Bitches and Hitches

Iraq and Roll

Yo Mama Osama

Funkey Monkey

Smoke the Coke

Pussies and Wussies

Wetbacks with Setbacks

Meaner Beaners

 

 

 

Revised Movie Titles

Movies are great and all, but let’s change their titles to make it more interesting…

 

 

Starship Troopers          Starship Poopers

Fanstastic Four            Fantastic Sore

Harry Potter               Harry Pothead

The Pursuit of Happiness   The Pursuit of Trigger Happiness

I Am Legend                I Am Legal

I, Robot             I, Nigger

Operation Condor           Operation Condom

Legend of Condor Heroes         Legend of Condom Heroes

Rush Hour            Russian Hour

Shanghai Noon              Getting High at Noon, Getting High too Soon

Memoirs of a Geisha        Memoirs of a Gay

The Lion King              The Lying King

Aladdin                    Osama Bin Aladdin

The Titanic                The Ti-panic

Deep Blue            Deep Shit

Armageddon           I’m a Gettin’ You!

The Legend of Zorro        The Legend of Zero

Shrek                Shriek

Shrek the Third            Shriek at the Turd

Batman and Robbin          Batman is Robbin’ the Bank

Resident Evil              President Evil

The Matrix           The Gaytrix

South Park           Mouth Park

Bring it On                Bring it “Up”

Citizen Cane               Shitty Pain

 

Star Wars episodes:

Revenge of the Sith        Revenge of the shit

A New Hope           A New Dope

Return of the Jedi         Return of the Jew

The Empire Strikes Back         The Umpire Strikes Blacks

 

If World War II Was an RTS

If World War II had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this

 

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*

*Eisenhower has joined the game.*

*paTTon has joined the game.*

*Churchill has joined the game.*

*benny-tow has joined the game.*

*T0J0 has joined the game.*

*Roosevelt has joined the game.*

*Stalin has joined the game.*

*deGaulle has joined the game.*

Roosevelt: hey sup

T0J0: y0

Stalin: hi

Churchill: hi

Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!

paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks

T0JO: lol

Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!

benny-tow: haha america sux

Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?

Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever

Stalin: cool

deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help

Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy

Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry

Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me

Roosevelt: get antiair guns

Churchill: i cant afford them

benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?

paTTon: stfu

Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys

deGaulle: eisenhower ur

worthless come help me quick

Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army

paTTon: yah hurry the fock up

Churchill: d00d im getting pounded

deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck

*deGaulle has left the game.*

Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?

benny-tow: with what? Ur wheelchair?

benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?

Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO

T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u

Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses

T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol

Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u

Hitler[AoE]: wtf

Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army

Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker

Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler

Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!

T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard

Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path

Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE

Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol

benny-tow: haha

benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1

T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full

Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help

Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya

Stalin: church help me

Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here

Stalin: dont be an arss

Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late

Eisenhower: LOL

benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help

Hitler: o man ur focked

paTTon: oh what now biotch

Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol

*benny-tow has been eliminated.*

benny-tow: lame

Roosevelt: gj patton

paTTon: thnx

Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t

Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record

Eisenhower: Nuts!

benny-tow: wtf that mean?

Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped

paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker

Stalin: rofl

T0J0: HAHAHHAA

Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay

Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city

*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*

benny-tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself

Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL

Stalin: OMG LMAO!

Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows

*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*

paTTon: hahahhah

T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs

benny-tow: shut up noob

Roosevelt: haha wut a moron

paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?

Eisenhower: yah me too

T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol

Eisenhower: fock u

paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie

Stalin: go to hell lol

paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk

Eisenhower: yah this is gay

*Roosevelt has left the game.*

Hitler[AoE]: wtf?

Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join

*tru_m4n has joined the game.*

tru_m4n: hi all

T0J0: hey

Stalin: sup

Churchill: hi

tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!

tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES

Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz

tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple

Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets

T0J0: wtf is nukes?

T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!

*T0J0 has been eliminated.*

*The Allied team has won the game!*

Eisenhower: awesome!

Churchill: gg noobs no re

T0J0: that’s bull**** u fockin suck

*T0J0 has left the game.*

*Eisenhower has left the game.*

Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****

Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss

tru_m4n: l8r all

benny-tow: bye

Churchill: l8r

Stalin: fock u all

tru_m4n: shut up commie lol

*tru_m4n has left the game.*

benny-tow: lololol u commie

Churchill: ROFL

Churchill: bye commie

*Churchill has left the game.*

*benny-tow has left the game.*

Stalin: i hate u all fags

*Stalin has left the game.*

paTTon: lol no1 is left

paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep

*paTTon has been eliminated.*

paTTon: o sh1t!

*paTTon has left the game.*

How to Get Out of a Traffic Ticket

 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

My Comedian Resume – In Case You Care

In case you care…

 

 

Performed at Comedy Clubs

Gotham Comedy Club

Broadway Comedy Club

Greenwich Village Comedy Club

Klimat Lounge

 

Education

Bachelors of Science from NYU Poly

 

Training

Improv Club in College

People’s Improv Theatre (PIT)

Laughing Buddha Improv Classes

Participated in Toastmasters

 

Appearances

Starred in short indie film called “Hot Dates”

Various stand up comedy videos on Youtube

Funny Pics of Wacky Inventions

Top 20 Books Which Have No Content

Top 20 Books Which Have No Content

  1. The Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages.
  2. Safe Places to Travel in the USA.
  3. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers.
  4. The Australian Book of Foreplay.
  5. Contraception by Pope John Paul II.
  6. The Book of Motivated Postal Workers.
  7. American’s Guide to Etiquette.
  8. Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity.
  9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.
  10. Cooking Enjoyable Dishes with Tofu.
  11. The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex.
  12. Consumer Marketing Ethics.
  13. Popular Lawyers.
  14. John Howards: The Bourbon years.
  15. Career Opportunities for History Majors.
  16. Everything Men Know About Women.
  17. Home Built Airplanes by John Denver.
  18. My Life’s Memories by Ronald Reagon.
  19. Things I Love About Bill, by Hillary Clinton.
  20. Things I Can’t Afford by Bill Gates.

 

Top 10 Titles for Monica Lewinsky’s new book

 

  1. Me and My Big Mouth.
  2. I Suck at My Job.
  3. What Really Goes Down in the White House.
  4. How I Blew It in Washington.
  5. Going Down and Moving Up.
  6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule.
  7. Going Back for Gore.
  8. Secret Services to the President.
  9. Deep Inside the Oval Office.
  10. Al Gore Is in Command, For the Next 30 Minutes…

 

Funny Pics from the Military

Here’s some funny pics from the military. So this is what they do on their free time?

Funny Animal Pictures