Monthly Archives:February 2016

Confucius Jokes

Never raise hand to angry child; it leave groin exposed.

Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.

Woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.

A girl’s best asset is her lie ability.

Girl who rides bike peddles ass all over town.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!

Man who tell Confucius jokes speak bad English.

Naked man fears no pick pocket.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matter into his own hands.

Man who falls in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.

Man who is kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight.

Man who put head on track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.

Man who marries a girl with small bust has right to feel low down.

Do not marry basketball players, they dribble before they shoot.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.

To prevent hangover stay drunk!

Do not drink and drive, people cause accidents.

And, do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.

Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

Man with hands in pockets feels foolish, but man with holes in pockets feels nuts.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!

Man who polish knob play pocket pool.

Passionate kiss like spider’s web…soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick…all gone!

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement.

Man who live in glass house should change in basement.

Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Man with tool in woman’s mouth, not necessarily a dentist.

Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.

Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker.

Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth.

Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.

There is no such thing as rape; woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down.

When lady say no, she mean maybe; when lady say maybe, she mean yes; when lady say yes,
she no lady.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

Is better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Man piss in wind, wind piss back.”,

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

Woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock.

Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off.

Put penis on grill to get hot rod.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

War do not determine who’s right, who determine who’s left!

Man who argue with wife all day, get no piece at night!

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who lay woman on hill is not on level.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.

Boy who fool around with girl in wrong period get caught red-handed.

Is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring.

Woman who spend too much time on bedspring soon get offspring.

Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.

Wife not part of household until screwed on furniture.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who sit on upturned tack shall surely rise.

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Man who let woman on top is fucking up.

Man who put penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.

He who masturbate in front of cash register come into money.

Learn to masturbate, it comes in handy.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand.

Man who take sleeping pills and laxatives on same night, wake up in deep shit.

He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.

He who sleep with itchy bum, he will wake with smelly thumb.

Soldier who goes to bed horny wakes up with discharge in hand.

Girl who sit in jockey’s lap get hot tip.

Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge.

He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.

He who rapes a man’s daughter, kidnaps his son, and buries his wife alive should not
expect to sit at that man’s dinner table without the subject coming up.

[Video] Comedy @ Laughing Buddha 1

 

I know what you’re thinking…Let’s get this out of the way… I was born in this country.
Okay? So stop thinking about it!
So I was born here… but I have an accent… I have no idea how that happened.
I speak English with a Chinese accent, but I speak Chinese with an English accent… it’s messed up. I get the worst of both worlds.

People like to make fun of me…they’re like…Oooh look it’s the Asian man… he’s a foreigner…with his Asian customs and his Asian language.

So I’m like screw this, I’m going to China, where I’ll be accepted.

And they were like, oooh look it’s the American boy. He think he better than us. With his American customs and his American dollar!