Yearly Archives:2016

Top 5 Things Not To Say To a Guy Dating a Girl in a Wheelchair

I’m sure that wheelchair people have heard all sorts of crazy shit from people in their lifetimes. People ask them dumb things, and say dumb things to them. I may even have said some of those things.

But stupidity is not exclusive for people in wheelchairs. It also goes for men who date women in wheelchairs. And I, as someone who has dated a woman in a wheelchair, have heard many things…

You can google top 10 things not to say to someone in a wheelchair and get a lot of results.

But no one ever talks about those who date people in wheelchairs. So I’m going to put down the top 5 dumb things I’ve heard…

 

So here’s the top 5 things not to say to a guy dating a girl in a wheelchair…

1. How do you have sex?

Don’t worry about it… I’ll let you figure out why this is a dumbass question…

 

2. Omg she’s in a wheelchair? I want to meet her!

WTF? You never wanted to me any of the girls I dated before, so why this one? It’s because of the wheelchair? If she wasn’t in a wheelchair would you still be excited to meet her?

No you wouldn’t!! So stop treating her like a freak and STFU!

You want to meet her? So do all 20 of my friends. Make a line, single file, and wait for your name to be called!

 

3. Dude, it’s not going to work out

How the f— would you know that? I know you can’t date someone in a wheelchair so why the f— would I care about your opinion?

 

4. Did you bring her to your parents??

I’m going to explain this from a Chinese perspective…mkay? My parents are not as forgiving as me, so they’re not going to accept her. And I’m not interested in adding more drama to my life…okay?
So don’t f–king say the P-word! STFU!!

 

5. You should carry her up the stairs!

First of f–king all, this shows how little you understand about wheelchair people.
Obviously they’re not all the same, but most of them are very prideful. They don’t want to be seen as helpless or whatever. So even if you see someone in a wheelchair stuck on a rock, and offer help, their default answer is no thanks, they’d rather do it themselves.

They want to show the world that they can do everything that “normal” people can do. So they don’t accept help easily.

So carrying them up the stairs if they’re not willing is a bad idea!

Random Funny Pics

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes…

This is mind boggling…

 


 

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

Maria

 


 

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,

Maria

Funny Pick Up Lines

You’re so attractive you make me come here against my will.

 

Your feet must be hurting, because you’ve been running in my mind all day long

 

The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

 

Roses are black, violets are red, what is it going to take, to get you into bed?

 

Better call God, cuz I think he’s missing an angel.

 

Hey baby, wanna make a baby?

 

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

 

Excuse me. I’m from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I’m going to have to ask you to assume the position.

 

Gee, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

 

Were you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.

 

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!

 

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

 

Hi. I’m an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

 

If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head?

 

Is your name Summer? ‘Cause you are as hot as hell.

 

If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my Wookie.

 

You’ve been a bad, bad girl. Now go to my room!

 

Got two nipples for a dime?

 

Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.

 

Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I’ve ever saw.

 

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

 

You with those curves, and me with no brakes …

 

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

 

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

 

Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don’t you?

 

Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?

 

I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

 

Be unique and different, say yes.

 

You make me so nervous and flustered, I’ve completely forgotten my standard pick-up line.

 

Hi, my name’s {name}. Remember it, you’ll be screaming it later tonight!

 

[Video] Comedy @ Laughing Buddha 2

A Poem About Poker

Where is the Poker God?

O Poker God, Poker God,
Why have you wronged me so?
My chip count has reached an all time low.

All I want to do is see a flop,
But I ended up working in McDonald’s, with a mop.

I even lost a game where I had pocket aces,
I got so pissed off, I punched a kid with braces.

This game makes me so mad, it brings my piss to a boil,
This game makes me so scared, it gets my pants soiled.

O Poker God, Poker God,
What happened to all my luck?
This game is just a big shitload of _____!

Why is it that I am so addicted to gambling?
Maybe that’s why you’re listening to me rambling.

I wanna quit and save my money and buy other things.
But there’s no joy like at the end-game when I’m counting my winnings.

O Poker God, Poker God,
I keep losing to others, why can’t I catch a break?
Bluffing is an art, just like cooking a well-done steak.

I just want to win a hand here and there.
But this shitty game is just not fair!

Chuck Norris Facts – Part 1

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups; Chuck Norris pushes the earth away from himself.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Noris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trade marked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she’ll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, “Who is Chuck Norris?” to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975

Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

If at first you don’t succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn’t have to.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris Facts – Part 2

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Switzerland isn’t really neutral. They just haven’t figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” Chuck Norris received an “A+” for writing only the words “Chuck Norris” and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris doesn’t give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with “Its not me, its you”.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris “Chick Norris”. He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more
than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, “WWCND?”

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone.

This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

The phrase “Made by Chuck Norris” is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he’s playing poker.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says “Go”. This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it’s probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain’t no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people’s teeth, though.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble… Every turn.

Confucius Jokes

Never raise hand to angry child; it leave groin exposed.

Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.

Woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.

A girl’s best asset is her lie ability.

Girl who rides bike peddles ass all over town.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!

Man who tell Confucius jokes speak bad English.

Naked man fears no pick pocket.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matter into his own hands.

Man who falls in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.

Man who is kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight.

Man who put head on track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.

Man who marries a girl with small bust has right to feel low down.

Do not marry basketball players, they dribble before they shoot.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.

To prevent hangover stay drunk!

Do not drink and drive, people cause accidents.

And, do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.

Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

Man with hands in pockets feels foolish, but man with holes in pockets feels nuts.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!

Man who polish knob play pocket pool.

Passionate kiss like spider’s web…soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick…all gone!

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement.

Man who live in glass house should change in basement.

Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Man with tool in woman’s mouth, not necessarily a dentist.

Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.

Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker.

Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth.

Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.

There is no such thing as rape; woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down.

When lady say no, she mean maybe; when lady say maybe, she mean yes; when lady say yes,
she no lady.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

Is better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Man piss in wind, wind piss back.”,

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

Woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock.

Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off.

Put penis on grill to get hot rod.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

War do not determine who’s right, who determine who’s left!

Man who argue with wife all day, get no piece at night!

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who lay woman on hill is not on level.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.

Boy who fool around with girl in wrong period get caught red-handed.

Is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring.

Woman who spend too much time on bedspring soon get offspring.

Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.

Wife not part of household until screwed on furniture.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who sit on upturned tack shall surely rise.

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Man who let woman on top is fucking up.

Man who put penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.

He who masturbate in front of cash register come into money.

Learn to masturbate, it comes in handy.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand.

Man who take sleeping pills and laxatives on same night, wake up in deep shit.

He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.

He who sleep with itchy bum, he will wake with smelly thumb.

Soldier who goes to bed horny wakes up with discharge in hand.

Girl who sit in jockey’s lap get hot tip.

Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge.

He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.

He who rapes a man’s daughter, kidnaps his son, and buries his wife alive should not
expect to sit at that man’s dinner table without the subject coming up.

[Video] Comedy @ Laughing Buddha 1

 

I know what you’re thinking…Let’s get this out of the way… I was born in this country.
Okay? So stop thinking about it!
So I was born here… but I have an accent… I have no idea how that happened.
I speak English with a Chinese accent, but I speak Chinese with an English accent… it’s messed up. I get the worst of both worlds.

People like to make fun of me…they’re like…Oooh look it’s the Asian man… he’s a foreigner…with his Asian customs and his Asian language.

So I’m like screw this, I’m going to China, where I’ll be accepted.

And they were like, oooh look it’s the American boy. He think he better than us. With his American customs and his American dollar!