Chuck Norris Facts – Part 1

Chuck Norris Facts – Part 1

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups; Chuck Norris pushes the earth away from himself.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Noris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trade marked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she’ll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, “Please don’t kill me.” Too bad Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, “Who is Chuck Norris?” to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975

Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

If at first you don’t succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn’t have to.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

TheEmperor